SCREW TELUS | Collective Network Node

The Corporate Gaslight Protocol

Telus specializes in a unique form of digital psychology. They spend millions on "Nature" imagery—frogs, flowers, and cute animals—to distract you from the fact that your internet speed is currently slower than a 1996 dial-up connection. This is Greenwashing 2.0: if the branding looks like a park, maybe you won't notice the landfill of hidden fees on page 4 of your invoice.

The "Self-Healing" Network: It heals itself by making you wait 4 days for a tech who never shows up.
SmartHome Security: A system that notifies you of an intruder 20 minutes after they've left with your TV.
Optik TV: Paying $100 for 400 channels of infomercials and pixelated local news.

Telus built a massive public art installation in Vancouver. Meanwhile, rural BC customers still don't have basic LTE coverage.

— Priorities Analysis

I got a bill for $0.00. Telus sent it to collections because I hadn't paid it. The collections agency also didn't know what to do.

— Zero Dollar Collection

My Telus modem is the same model from 2017. The 'coming soon' firmware update came 4 years later and bricked 3 units on my street.

— Firmware Archaeology

I moved to Telus from Shaw when Rogers bought them. I thought I was escaping a monopoly. I entered a different one.

— Monopoly Musical Chairs

Telus gave me 'VIP Customer' status after 7 years. The only benefit is a shorter hold time. I timed it: 4 minutes shorter.

— VIP Discount: 4 Minutes

The Telus Optik remote learned the wrong TV's IR codes. It now controls my neighbour's television. Mine still needs the old remote.

— Remote Wandering

I called Telus on December 26th. Hold time: 4 hours. The rep said 'higher than normal call volumes.' For 4 years straight.

— Permanent Abnormal

My Telus bill has 14 line items. I understand 4. The other 10 have been 'standard for years,' which explains nothing.

— Bill Archaeology

Northern BC: The Forgotten Sector

If you live north of Hope, you aren't a customer—you're a donor. Telus harvests the profits from our limited choices to fund high-speed vanity projects in Vancouver. While they brag about 5G speeds in the city, we’re out here checking our antennas to see if a hawk moved the alignment of our fixed-wireless terminal again.