SCREW TELUS | Collective Network Node

The Corporate Gaslight Protocol

Telus specializes in a unique form of digital psychology. They spend millions on "Nature" imagery—frogs, flowers, and cute animals—to distract you from the fact that your internet speed is currently slower than a 1996 dial-up connection. This is Greenwashing 2.0: if the branding looks like a park, maybe you won't notice the landfill of hidden fees on page 4 of your invoice.

The "Self-Healing" Network: It heals itself by making you wait 4 days for a tech who never shows up.
SmartHome Security: A system that notifies you of an intruder 20 minutes after they've left with your TV.
Optik TV: Paying $100 for 400 channels of infomercials and pixelated local news.

I live 20km outside Kamloops. My neighbours in the city have PureFibre for $80. I pay $120 for ADSL.

— 20-Kilometre Tax

The new Telus modem supports Wi-Fi 6. My 2015 devices don't support Wi-Fi 6. They sent me no adapter and a glossy pamphlet.

— Glossy Pamphlet Technology

They sold me a 'Smart Home Bundle.' The smart thermostat hasn't connected to the app since day 2. The home is passive aggressive.

— Dumb Smart Home

The 'Fibre Premium Wi-Fi' extender they sent requires a monthly fee. I paid for the device. I am now renting a device I own.

— Device Rental Paradox

I called Telus on December 26th. Hold time: 4 hours. The rep said 'higher than normal call volumes.' For 4 years straight.

— Permanent Abnormal

My bill increased by $12 this month for a 'Network Expansion Fee.' I live in a dead zone. Where is the expansion? My backyard?

— Terrace Resident

The Telus satellite dish was installed pointing at the neighbour's fence. The installer said 'signal seems fine.' It was not fine.

— Compass-Free Installation

I got a new Telus number. The previous owner had many creditors. I now field 6 collection calls a day.

— Inherited Debt Number

Northern BC: The Forgotten Sector

If you live north of Hope, you aren't a customer—you're a donor. Telus harvests the profits from our limited choices to fund high-speed vanity projects in Vancouver. While they brag about 5G speeds in the city, we’re out here checking our antennas to see if a hawk moved the alignment of our fixed-wireless terminal again.